2001-12-13 | 1:04 a.m.

i remember not seeing my best friend for awhile. i thought i was okay - but in the end i look back and realized that i was tense and nervous and not feeling at-all-quite-myself. i think i am now just realizing that things can really bother you and you don't even know it. it manifests itself in strange ways.

the first time i saw her after that, i was nervous and awkward and worried. about my own culpability. if it was more than i thought it was. i can lose track of those things.

she walked in with newly-red hair and a denim skirt and and black and angular-striped red and orange and yellow top and tall black boots and i thought that i had been gone so long that i didn't/wouldn't /couldn't even recognize her anymore.

and that night i thought i didn't recognize her when we talked and drank coronas. but in the days following, it all came back to me.