2002-03-01 | 5:16 p.m.

i wish i had the video of my sonogram. my sister's best friend was having one too this past monday night, but for different reasons. she's having a baby.

there is this gorgeous kenyan gentleman with a sonogram wand on my bare chest - goopy with clear jelly. i should be embarassed, but i'm not. we are there for educational purposes. for scientific purposes.

he smells really nice. i'm staring at a screen with my heart in black and white contrast, beating in rhythm with my breathing. the same gentleman was in the same place with me 2 years ago.

he points to my mytral valve - it's so small! - and says "obtusion". he looks at gently me and explains the valve is "breaking the line". by a centimeter or so i imagine. a centimeter enough to be a problem.

my electrical system is not right, aside from my 'obtusion'. i'm not wired right. somewhere "between my heart and my head". i laughed when my cardiologist said that.

my heart takes some liberties with when and how fast it should beat. when it does take those tupping liberties, i faint. i'm 26.

so when heidi was looking at her new baby on the screen, i was looking at my heart that would keep me from doing the same someday.